Life Journal

Tiny Toons and tiny minds…

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god damn kids are difficult sometimes. Cousins 5 yr old twins Matthew and Kylie are visiting for a whole month. trying to explain Tiny Toons to them and they’re not grasping the concept that Elmyra is a reimagining of Elmer Fudd. oh, so you can get that Babs is a version of Bugs, but this is too much of a stretch for you? ya, STFU bitches. god, idk how you people with kids do it.

by “it”, i mean explaining early 90’s cartoons to skeptical minds. not the other bullcrap in child rearing. i already know that shits a breeze.

UPDATE: I posted this on Facebook and had someone who thinks they’re smart try to call me a “chump” over the claim that Babs Bunny is modeled after Lola and only Buster is the mini Bugs…

Ahem…. Lola wasn’t invented till 6 years after Tiny Toons.
Buster and Babs (B&B) are split personalities of the big B – Buster having the calm and smarmy self assuredness and schemery, Babs having his penchant for costumes, over-reactions and bipolar emotions. gawd. kids these days…

now I’m pissed cuz I don’t remember what that’s called. i keep wanting to say archaic… UG. wtf is a mistake in a movie or something called that contains something that didnt exist in that time period? like a Timex in a Western or a plane flying by in a Dinosaur flick? it has a name. and its driving me crazy.

UPDATE: web mistress of MissAshleyPants.com came to my rescue. the word for an example of false chronology is anachronism.

Matthew was so confident that I’ve never seen Tale Spin before that he was stupid enough to bet me his Popsicle (vs 2 if he was right) that i hadnt. watching the joy in his face fade into horror and sadness as I sang along every word of the opening theme – including the “spin it if you win it” bullshit (seen in the video below when Chris Wheeler was stupid enough to challenge me & Dwayne on this) was one of the best moments of the year.

Life Journal

Nephews say the darndest things…

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my friggin 15 year old nephew just tried to quiz me with the question “guess who came first: Sonic, or Mario?”… that’s like asking a Nam veteran if they know anything about the war. bitch, I LIVED that. effouttahere.

More gems from my week with the younger nephews:

“you stink butt toilet poop! im gonna fart in yor unda-wear!” & “you’re a butt and you stink like butt, BUTT Stink!”
– Rowan Bushnell, 4

“untle Richard. um. um. uh whats..uh whats ‘gay’? – [fake answer] – “haha. im gay! im gay im gay! haha. im so gayyyy!” – [real answer] – “um.. i dont think thats rilly it cuz if 2 boys kissed eachother they’d prolly go tu jail”.
– Riley Bushnell, 6

“Instead a Easter they should call it Ster-Eee cuz you STIR the chocolate and then you EAT it, so Ster-ea, not Ea-ster…”
– Riley Bushnell, 6

“Touch that again and it’s gonna rain spank-bombs like a Giant’s tears after he found out he wasn’t invited to a birthday party”
– uncle Rich, layin down tha law.

Life Journal

Don’t inot need an iPad?

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I just came back from the Apple store and can confirm that the iPad is both the coolest and most useless gadget on the market today. It was hard to leave without one.

I will say this though: if the makers of Etch a Sketch don’t make an app for this thing, complete with “shake to erase” feature, i lose faith in humanity.

UPDATE: I went searching and it exists! Win for humans. although… I remain cautious since there is no demo of a shake-to-erase feature and that is what makes it cool. otherwise its lame as hell. hmmm……  lets hope.

Announcements

What it takes to achieve my attention

ENTRY LEVEL
Be pretty.

The end.

I’ll give you a minute. Not a whole lot more though, so be careful. But that’s all you need for initial attention.

Don’t fail this audition.

OPENING STAGE
To get my real attention, a girl has to line up physical attraction with emotional/psychological attraction, with a click of personalities just to get to an entry stage of consideration.

Typically only one of those is common and 2 is rare, so essentially my opening stage is three levels deep.

If you slam all three then you’re already in an elite class. Congratulations!

PHASE 2
Even with 2 or all 3 of those rare matches, in order to escalate to a phase 2 of consideration, they still have to obsessively like me for my unique quirky attributes (not just the mainstream ones that its easy for anyone to fawn over me for), live a life I find admirable or can otherwise respect, have a talent or area of knowledge I either don’t have or am impressed that they have, and have some kind of life drive and ambition (they don’t need to have it totally figured out yet but the drive to thrive and not just survive must be there).

PHASE 2.5
If you have passed phase 2 then you’ve basically achieved the highest levels possible with me because I like you. Liking you doesn’t mean I can stand you in long stretches though so if you expect to talk to me frequently (like more than a few times a week or, god forbid, daily) then I need your brain not just respectable but sharp. It’s not enough to just get along together for me to spend a lot of time with you. I need your mind to be active and thoughtful and thirsty for knowledge and learning. You don’t have to understand all my esoteric references and be on my level of problem solving analysis (mostly because that’s not possible) but you need need to be a worthy opponent and partner as far as intellect. Not knowledge. Knowledge is how many facts you know. I don’t care if you don’t know an encyclopedias worth of info (though that would impress me) – I care about how you approach problems and whether you are thoughtful and observant or dense to the world around you.

3RD DEGREE
Now it’s really getting serious…
To reach a Richardland 3rd degree, the first two levels must be supplemented by a combination of unique and impressive preexisting life standards on their permanent record that value them highly as a prize I can not just like but be proud to achieve. I can get along with and appreciate a girl with the above criteria but in order for me to get excited about a girl being mine and submit myself to be fully hers (and actually be happy about it), she needs to have a pre existing record that is uncommon, classy, and admirable. She has to have, to some degree, been living her life in preparation for someone or something as awesome as what I bring to the table. This is especially important in her record of choosing men. If it’s too loose or appears random, I’m not interested in the 3rd degree. Don’t even try.

But if her record of boyfriends is stringent, there are no recent drunken hookups or casual relationships of pure convenience – if it’s provable in your life choices that you know what you are worth and you want me – then congratulations baby: I love you. You won the game. And you know it’s real cuz this blog verified exactly what I look for.

 

 

So that should answer your question on why you don’t see a lot of girls getting my attention in public or private: none of you are good enough. But hopefully this list will inspire some of you to be some day. Not necessarily for me but for you. For you to find your own Richards you need to have at least some kind of establishment of who you are and what makes you special and have an idea of what you want and are looking for. Since you’re almost positively not good enough for me: I wish you luck.

Life Journal

Tyler (from Missouri) in California

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Havent talked to Tyler Houser in 7 years. so I was more than a little shocked when I saw him in the produce aisle of the fkking grocery store here in Southern California…

I walked 2 steps into Ralphs here in Thousand Oaks and hear “RICHARD!”. I look out yonder past the oranges and a tall bearded Lumberjack is approaching me. I dont recognize the face so clearly this is a stranger mistaking me for someone else or talking to someone behind or nearby m—oh my god it’s Tyler…

(videos of me & tyler here: http://rtv.richardland.com/index.php?s=tyler – though they use the old player which is very buggy now)

Life Journal

Night Vision-ing

I just found my night vision goggles and realized that i paid several hundred dollars for them and only used them once, so I’ve decided that late tonight im going to dress in ninja garb and explore the gated property of a certain mansion down the street from me. Is that an admission to breaking and entering? Uh, no, dummy. I’m not gonna break anything. And just cuz it’s gated doesn’t mean i’m entering any actual — you know what – the more I explain this, the less cool it sounds.

 

I will report back with details.

 

UPDATE: I saw basically nothing but it was cool to be able to see in the dark. That’s my report…

Life Journal

The day that Ryan resurfaced…

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Sweet butterscotch Magillicuddys… Ryan Macullaflulla, alternatively known as Evil Ryan just fulfilled the prophecy I layed out in 2003. (see previous posts here: – theres about 10 more, plus like 13 in the RTV section, but they’re on a different database that wont be on the site till the new format is completed and all the old archives are merged into the new richardland 3.0 coming in 2010).

Quick recap: in the summer of 2001 i started a romance with the vapid skank in princess’s clothing seen here: http://rtv.richardland.com/archives/tag/slutty-alice. Fast forward to spring of 2003, and my most trusted buddy and bestest friend Ryan is fucking her while I think she’s “with her mom looking at colleges” for the weekend. turned out that “her mom” was really my former best friend and most loyal lacky, Femanine Mikey and the “colleges” she was looking at was Ryans dick. I know – funny, right? Well its the only time outside of watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition that I’ve cried in the past 10 years, so fuck those guys.

Oddly though, I predicted the following in this post on richardland shortly after the incident in 2003:

Actually, as weird as it sounds – if i could see a future friendship with any of these assholes coming about it would be, ironically, Ryan… the guy who fucked my girlfriend. While sluthole Alice and faggetine Mikey will no doubt pull the bullshit “i’m sorry” song and dance within coming years – or WORSE – the “hey bro, whats up? lol. how ya been man??” horseshit that hopes time will have clouded my steel trap memory – i could see Ryan pulling it off with a tinge of naive sincerity.

Ryan may have been the grand wizardHitler who orchestrated this Final Solution to wipe out richardland, but he was also the only one to show remorse and make a small penance.

Read the rest of that post from 03 for the details – and in retrospect, while “wizardHitler” is a funny line, a more historically astute Nazi analogy would have been Eichmann, but I was only in the base level stages of my holocaust obsession back then.
And true to form: both slutty alice and fem Mikey did in fact come groveling multiple times over the years and were very harshly shown the door. I chronicled Mikey’s bullshit on here, but I didnt bother with the slut cuz she’s so one-dimensionally vapid that she’s not interesting even via insult comedy, unlike Mikey who is like a sitcom in his hapless adventures at sucking at life.

Tonight when I got home from dinner at BoneDaddys (its like a southern Hooters except the food is better and the girls are prettier, and not moms) I open my Facebook mail and see… gasp… a message from Ryan. saying? exactly, what, i, fucking, predicted… He just politely said hello and gave some good wishes and thats it. just a nice little check-in and how-do-ya-do.

fuck.

idk how the fuck to respond to this shit… I already went through an Evil Ryan flipout just a week and a half ago and its actually a funny story. I would have blogged about it but Ryan was such ancient news that i didnt think it had much entertainment value beyond me, but now that he’s back, you’ll all appreciate this: so a little under 2 weeks ago, I’m in Hollywood at an agency rep’s office and he comes in, hands me a Vitamin water and a portfolio from a recent shoot that I was in and says to flip through it and we’ll talk about stuff in a minute when he gets back. so I pop open my fruit punch V-wat and turn to the page with me in it and – shocker – im fkkin gorgeous. its like, chah – whoah. so eagerly, naturally assuming another shot of me will be on the next page, i flip and — OH MY FUCKING GAWD, ITS EVIL RYAN!!!1 … or at least I think… I was positive this dude was Evil Ryan… and right there I go into game mode: im searching my mental files for all the data on this douche, im pacing, im pulling out a chalkboard and drawing strategies, im playing a remix of “Kill the Beast” from Beauty and the Beast and dropping in lines like when Frollo in Disneys Hunchback of Notre Dame is about to deliver his death blow and goes “and he shall smite the wicked and plunge them into the fiery pit!”

follosword

Everything was ALL SYSTEMS GO – THIS IS NOT A DRILL. this was the moment i’ve been training for – one of them anyway. an arch nemesis is IN california IN my field! operation destruction starts NO— oh, nevermind cuz it wasn’t him… it soooooooo looked like him though. you cant fully appreciate it cuz there are so many posts tagged with him that are still offline for the next few weeks while the database changes, but when they come back online and you can see the pictures and video, you will look at this and go “OMG!”:

evilryansmodelclone

But back to the present situation: here I am with an open Facebook message and while i dont respect this guy – i dont hate him. so while i wanna bust out a one line reality stomped along the lines of “we are not friends. we are not friendly” (awesome, right?) – i would feel bad. justice only works when its deserved and in this case, being harsh in response would be just cruel and while i can be mean and vicious, i’ll never be unjustly cruel. Search the Feminine Mikey archives and you’ll see that that little bitch asks for an emotionally devastating reply in every single god damned response from beginning to end – but Ryan didn’t in this case… he did exactly as I thought he might, and i even noted in 2003 that it would probably be genuine.

Ryan was the 2nd best friend to destroy a social network by banging my girlfriend, and I recently rejoined and re-friended the first, so it would be really awesome to be on good terms with the 2 dudes who betrayed me, while remaining enemies with the former friends who had taken sides with the betrayer at the time. its so poetic and kick ass in the dichotomy of what you’d expect. but… meh. It’s midnight and im going to go to bed. I think i’ll just send a short reply and delete this message. maybe link to this blog and let him be like “huh?…” and just delete it himself out of apathy. ya… i think that…

g’nite kiddies.

ps: see what little previous Evil Ryan content is available (i went in and activated a few relevant ones to add context to this) until we get all tag pages back to normal (but improved!) –

http://blog.richardland.com/archives/tag/evil-ryan

Life Journal

Rainy Flo

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Been raining all morning here at my brothers house in Florida, which kinda matters when you consider that Florida is evenly split between white trash and sunny vistas. dim the sun and America’s penis looks a lot less attractive…

Been having fun though since he has a lot of property, I suggested my nephews and I go for a walk. So I’ve been playing in the rain with a 2, 4 & 5 year old – getting them nice and muddy and then dumping them on grandma for cleanups while i watch some tv & eat.

We used banana leaves as umbrellas. they didn’t work.

bananaumbrellas

Life Journal

Could I be…getting sick again??

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I wasn’t sure if I was feeling a little warm in the head this evening. I was a little tired, but I had gone to bed late, woke up early and gone for a jog earlier, so a little fatigue was to be expected. but then… the tickle.. I felt a god damn tickle in my throat, the likes of which.. would.. indicate i was falling ill… again. I was just frigging sick most of August. Its barely October and this is actually happening??

“Are you fkking kidding me?” I mentally shouted. “This is NOT at all fkking acceptable. You better knock this shit off RIGHT NOW or I swear to god I’m gonna exercise and work the ever loving crap out of you tomorrow. Seriously. I’m not fkking around. STOP. you are embarrassing us”. But the tickle didn’t go away. F%CK. I start to hyperventilate a little. How am I gonna keep this a secret?? The internet can’t know about this. Wheeler can’t know about this. oh god, oh god. Say this isn’t happening, say this is NOT fkking happening right now…

Do I take an Advil? a Benadryl? a Nyquil? a quail quill on a window sill in a windmill on a hill with Jack & Jill ? — DAMMIT Richard, this is no time for irreverent though clever alliteration. You can NOT be getting sick this close to previously being sick. you can NOT NOT NOT.

But my eyes are misting slightly. I’m coughing to relieve the tickle in what feels to be my nasal passage. oh God… this is happening… 🙁 nooooo.

And then it happened…

I coughed extra hard and dislodged a quarter of a square of Cinnamon Toast Crunch that had found itself in the wrong pipe during my post-dinner inhaling of a salad bowl portion of the General Mills breakfast cereal.

I now feel fine. thank Christ.

sunriseofhope

(a personal journal adjoining the Richardland comedy network)