If this kid turns out ugly, I’m gonna be pissed

My brothers middle child of the 3 he has with his current baby momma wife is getting my vote on most likely to be the “almost as good looking as his uncle” one, and if I’m wrong – or worse, if none of them take after their uncle Rich in the hott department – I will be pretty angry and probably love them at least 40% less.

I think the oldest, Riley will be okay and might have a jockish rouged thing going on later in life, and the youngest little droolhead is too hard to tell, though his resemblances to my father make me sad.

But this snotface Rowan appears to have the most head-turner potential and it’s gonna be a huge bummer if he grows up all weird in the face or just kinda inbred Picaso smushed up or something, all of which are entirely possible. His mom is trying him out in the model world a little and hopefully that will set him on the right track of diet [throwing up], exercise (performance enhancing drugs) and an undeserved sense of entitlement and self importance that facilitates being totally hot like his uncle Rich.

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richnrowan

My sister is old as f#ck

My half sister Nichole is 40 years old this weekend. Gross. I gave her a cute little card that warns that the content inside contains the “F” word even though I thought it was retarded, cuz I think she knows how old she is, so there’s not a whole lot of suspense that the joke isn’t the word “fuck” printed in the card as one would assume in different context.

I drew her a flattering self portrait on the inside to make it better.

nicolebirthdaycard

I drew a similar rendering of my cousin Dena who turned 30 recently cuz I’m just all about helping female family members cope with aging.

My sick-record is acceptable…but still…

Since 2000 i get a mild cold once a year and a heavier sickness every 2 years on average.

In both February and December 08 I contracted fevers on visits through Missouri and fled to my parents house in Texas to recoup.

March 09 I had a cold and now August 09 another fever with flu-ish symptoms… still a defensible record of up-time vs down-time, but still – Chris Wheeler must never know of this…

That filthy little germ-wad claims he “never gets sick” (totally false btw. I’ve witnessed him coughing, weezing and moping around with fatigued grumpy sniffles on many occasions) and that I “always get sick” (false as exhibited by well kept record of health). He amplifies bug I catch into being evidence of my frailty so he can continue to sludge around his gutter lifestyle and be free of judgment. He’s one of these douchebags that uses the exception to the rule as evidence that the rule is a myth – most commonly represented in people with authority issues denouncing seat belts because they heard some person somewhere (they never quite know the details) died in a car accident because they were wearing a seat belt. That’s actually not even an analogy to illustrate a parallel belief vs tactic paradigm – Wheeler is a seat belt truther just as much as he is a believer that living cleanly makes you weak and forces you to get sick more.

If healthy people contract a virus once a year then healthy diet and exercise is revealed to be a meaningless fraudulent waste of a lifestyle according to Chris Wheeler.

snottykid
Wheeler would just tell this kid “see? that’s what you get for eating all that healthy shit and washin ur damn hands all the time. jezus christ.”

Of course it doesn’t help that he somehow happens to find and read random science based articles that appear to support or at least evidence some possibility of these things so he can use them as incontrovertible proof for his crackpot theories. Like the 9/11 conspiracy morons who think the most eye-witnessed event in history actually played out differently than what everyone saw before their eyes and will use one person who was in a field at low visibility and still in shock of the event tells a news outlet that they saw “what looked like a missile” – all of a sudden its case closed. See? one guy in a field saw a tubed object flying at a high rate of speed at an angle where the wings and windows weren’t entirely evident – ergo, 9/11 was an inside jeaarb.

Wheeler does the same thing. They’re basically the same person, except the 9/11 conspiro usually went to collage.

I must cure these ailments immediately and Chris Wheeler must never known these events ever occurred or i’ll have helped add another notch into his smug “people don’t believe me but i’m right about everything” delusional views of health and cleanliness.

Kylie McSneaky Sneaks

Good thing I didn’t walk into my room confessing to a litany of crimes and conspiracy theories I hold cuz after closing the door and sitting down at the computer I looked over at my filing cabinet and found a spy…

 

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Explaining Super Hero’s to 4 year olds

Twin 4yr old cousins-kids Matt & Kylie are watching Batman and Superman episodes from the 90’s animated series of each respective character, but Matt likes Batman better and Kylie likes Superman better. Prepared for this, I had made a folder of crossover episodes to break any stalemate on which to watch. So they’re watching a Superman crossover 3-parter from 1998 titled Worlds Finest, where the Joker is hired by Lex Luthor to kill Superman, causing Batman to enter the scene and defeat the two in a team-up.

bruc.kent.lane

Understandably, the kids started asking who Bruce Wayne and this Kent nerd from Smallville were and I explained that they were Batman and Superman. The “wtf” expressions on their faces contained hints of annoyance that I would insult their intelligence by expecting them to believe such poppycock.

I told them how they need costumes so no one knows who they are when they fight the bad guys so they have real names and dedicated at least 6 minutes, complete with charts and diagrams explaining the concept of secret identities and why they’re necessary.

They reacted as if they understood… However…

Later on, Batman shoots a grappling gun upward and is nonchalantly wisked away into the air when it connects with the Batplane (on remote auto-pilot obviously) passing by overhead. Lois realises she was with Bruce Wayne when she was attacked and fears, out loud, for his safety, asking Superman if he is ok…

batmanflyaway

Kylie dawns a look of disgust as if to say “what a dumb bitch” in response to Lois’s question.

Kylie: but she just sawr him flied away…

Me: ya.. but she doesn’t know that that’s Bruce… she only knows him as Batman.

They still didn’t get it. and still looked mad that Lois and I were so stupid that we’re asking questions about a persons health and well being when we just fugging saw them zip away in th eir super hero plane. DUH.

I’m a jerk now because I fixed my aunts computer (instead of Apple inc)

FILED UNDER: Latest reason I’m an asshole: for doing things I say I will instead of things others expect me to do instead (without telling me).

I woke up today with the hot California sun sniper-targeting my face through the venetian blinds I failed to flip last night from horizontal to vertical. As I pulled the string to raise them and allow the sun to fully welcome the day into my room, I was unaware that every second that I let tick by not calling our nearest Apple computer store was actually irrevocably destroying my aunts day and possibly life.

Evidently an entire day’s schedule had been planned around a field trip to the far off exotic land of The Oaks Mall that was simultaneously so important as to be the foundation for everyone’s day, but also so meaningless as to skip unless the Apple store appointment necessitated the travel.

“What the fruitcake”, you say? Come. walk with me… Continue reading I’m a jerk now because I fixed my aunts computer (instead of Apple inc)

Kids + Democracy in California

oh ya. we have a special election today…
HEY CALIFORNIA: Vote NO on everything except prop F [limits gov pay raises during times of deficits].
and also, I’m back in California now. so are Matt & Kylie
and also too, this just happened:

Me: [jingling car keys on my way out to go vote]
Mathew: Richuuuurd?…ar yu run. n. errands?
Me: no, I’m gonna go vote
Mathew: gonna go bote?
Me: ya
Mathew: how’c..why are… um..
Me: i’ll be back in a few minutes
Mathew: ohkk, but richuuurd. jup be carepul on ur bote n dont pall in the wader cuz theres sharks!
Me: no, not “boat” silly, i’m gonna go VOTE
Mathew: “vote”? whats..i thought u sed—
Me: ya, I know, I figured it out already
Mathew: wll…[thinks]… whats vote?
Me: It’s when you tell what you want and the most people who want it get it
Mathew: wat do u want?
Me: less government waste and a reigning in of entitlement programs…
Mathew: [thinks]…wuh…um………… i want Jack
[Skellington. referring to the Nightmare Before Christmas doll his sister was hogging from my room when he felt like it was his turn by now]

Sean Hannity is flabbergasted @ my new TV

Loudmouth cable news host Sean Hannity (shown here), was left speechless today as he found himself appearing on none other than a 32 inch flat panel television set in the Bushnell family’s Waikiki apartment. “I can’t believe this sh#t” exclaimed the Fox News commentator as news was also delivered to him that the monitor displaying his image was reportedly purchased for a scant $430. “You really are a great American” Hannity declared (though who exactly he was directing that lame stock phrase to in this context was unclear).

 

 

Former Speaker of the House and current Fox News commentator, Newt Gingrich couldn’t believe his f#cking eyes either. “I normally have a bit of a squinty facial posture as it is” said the Speaker, “but when I’m in the presence of sh#t like this, I..[chuckle]..I just can’t look directly at it, its so awesome, really”. The former congressman added that “It’s no wonder that Hannity shut his fat god damn mouth for more than 8 seconds while in awe of this kickass amenity” and when it was pointed out that Hannity’s mouth was actually wide open during his exasperated reaction to the tv, Mr Gingrich shot back: “Christ man, it was a figure of speech to convey that he paused talking. don’t change the subject from this sweet addition to what was already a schway pad yo. god damn”.

 

 

When asked to comment on the televisions ability to rotate a full 100 degrees from living room to bedroom and stay out of the way of the privacy divider that runs behind the table, the congressman was quoted as saying “It’s truly unf#cking believable. Now that it’s in place, I’m surprised it has taken this long to happen. This was the kind of Hope & Change President Obama promised us and it warms my stone cold evil-conservative heart to see one family doing their part to make their ocean front real estate the best it can be”.

Carrie Clampitt and I are not friends. and she’s a bitch.

Carrie Clampitt-Gracey is a disingenuous sweaty cow who acts friendly to people she does not feel friendly toward. That’s probably why no one really loves her. Like her mom, or her husband, or God.

Nah, just kidding. That’s just me being emotional ‘nStuff. I’ve never actually known her to be all that sweaty.

Ahhh – But seriously, no joke about the emotional part because when I wrote that opening sentence I was 100% serious, which is of course super silly, but if you’ve read previous posts like this from me before, you know I take people being unduly mean to heart, personalize it when 90% of the time it’s not anything personal (just mean people being mean) and then put on my Batman mask and town-crier the incident to log both aspects [both their meanness, and my butthurtness. Because in all fairness, both are worthy of historical note].

 

So how could someone with such a nice sounding name be such a salty hoor?
Well, since you asked:

I went to high school with Carrie Clampitt where I didn’t really get to know her SUPER well, but well enough to call a friend under the tab of “friendly with the occasional hangout by proxy”. We were pleasant, and would talk personally when we talked at all, she was in my group that went to prom, she would tell me on more than one occasion how miserably depressed she is and how much she hates her life and her mother – you get the idea. Feminine Mikey was in Student Council with her and would always complain to me about what a psychotic emotionally unstable controlling Stalinist bitch she was, calling her Ashley Monez’s “mini-me, except with less power, less smarts, more crazy and of course, fat” (*his* [accurate] description. not mine). Howeverz, where as Ashley turned out to be just a delightful and awesome human being in present day from what I see on Facebook (of which we are friends), Carrie Clampitt Gracey is still every bit the robotic fruitcake that she was back then.

 

Carrie Clampitt moved to California 20 minutes away from me and since I was hang-out friends with her room mate, I saw more of Clampitt over the last year. blah blah blah – she’s a fkkn bratty snob but so what? Everyone has the opportunity to learn and grow and shouldn’t be excommunicated because they might be a little snotty with you on occasion. That’s my philosophy anyway. And that’s why I’ve always been Sweetness & Light to Carrie even when she’s short tempered and impatient with me. Because who cares, really? Just because a person isn’t a personality type you might want to pursue further levels of bonding with doesn’t mean you have to be at odds with. Especially if you are mature enough to recognize that the way a person is is because of their own life circumstances and surroundings and not because they are personally out to get you.

 

That understanding of the difference between personality types however does not give people like this the liberty to be outright jerks to you for no reason under no provocation and then cut you off from any further dialog. That’s more than just having a snippy personality type – that’s an attack that needs a spotlight shined on it with a big “Not Okay” message.

 

*warms up spotlight*….

 

So despite never returning Carries snippiness in the past, evidently she had developed negative feelings towards me. Idk why because I’ve never said anything nasty, negative, rude, or mean to her, we’ve never had a fight and the closest there has ever been to tension between was have only been in extremely gentle moments of adjustment in where I would assess a situation in more realistic “not the end of the world that you’re making it out to be” terms in service to a defense for my friend Lauren when she’s on the receiving end of a Clampitt-meltdown.

 

On Facebook I encouraged my friends to follow me on Twitter by noting that if we’re good enough to be friends on there then I outta be good enough to follow on Twitter. Except I said it in faux-outrage like this:

if you’re not following me on Twitter but are friends with me on Facebook…what..the hell… kind of friend.. – no – what kind of HUMAN BEING are you?… you disgust me….

 

Maybe a lame status but less lame than just saying “follow me” or just linking to my Twitter account with no addition.

 

But Carrie took it to heart and deleted me right after reading it.

So it’s not just a disconnect on a social network that she decided to chop me from but rather that she doesn’t like me or value my presence in her life at all which was a realization caused by my status to reflect facetious disappointment in those who have yet to “follow me” on that microblogging bird website.

 

Here’s the message she sent me on Facebook and the thread that followed:

CARRIE-

You said:

if you’re not following me on Twitter but are friends with me on Facebook…what..the hell… kind of friend.. – no – what kind of HUMAN BEING are you?… you disgust me….

I just realized we aren’t friends.

 

RICHARD-

what a passive-aggressive bitch message to send.

I just realized you’re awful.

 

CARRIE-
you’re right. i am awful. thank goodness you don’t have to be my friend on facebook anymore.

 

RICHARD-
you’re doin an awful lot of chatting to someone you allegedly don’t want to be friends with, bitch.
make up your mind and either
A) follow through with your decision and stfu & go away. or
B) apologize for being awful and admit you’re just after attention and don’t know how else to get it other than being a jerk cuz you suffer from social problems that should not excuse but at least explain your bratty behavior.

 

CARRIE-
I’m sorry for hurting your feelings.

 

 

Let’s look at the scorecard in this exchange:

-Her message is completely unfoundedly nasty with no reason or excuse. To inform someone that you aren’t their friend by pretending to take serious a dumb status update about having a Twitter account and inform that person that you had an epiphany about their worth to you from it and it is zero, is worth chiding.

-My reply noting its tone and unnecessary snot-itude was pithy and on-point. The follow-up, using her “just realized” language to label her bad behavior is onnier pointier. Go me.

-Her sarcastic reply amounting to “yeah yeah, whatever. guess everyone wins then cuz I’m gonna be awful and you’re gonna be gone so yeay” is not at all expressing they apathy she’s trying to convey but rather is clear aggression. If you’re apathetic and happy about the connection loss then you don’t feel a need to gloat about it afterward, you just silently go into the night with your “good riddance to bad rubbish” attitude. If you try to express a “good riddance” attitude to the person then there’s something up there because you’re not just leaving the person, you’re trying to send a negative message to them.

-Here’s where I stopped writing to her and started writing to you, the future reader. I do this often when it looks like something is about to go the direction of the person blocking me and this needs to be noted so you don’t think this is the right way to reply in a situation like this. It isn’t. My response was too long and substantive for a personal message spat like this, too nasty (including the b*tch line as a dismissive noun this time), and not at all worded right for the interpersonal match going on. It was perfect for a blog though, so that’s why I wrote it that way. So acknowledging that I fell on my sword by knowingly formatting in an otherwise non-ideal way, the substance of what I said is legit: go bye or admit you’re hanging around because of some other reason (and ideally surface that reason and make it an opportunity to deliver something constructive about why you don’t like that person at least).

-Her response obviously wins the exchange. Even though she did the most cowardly move possible by blocking me right after sending that so she could get in a final word and then not have to hear it ripped to shreds, there is no way around the fact that that is a superior reply to what I said if we are strictly scoring this as a sparring match. It’s like the “you mad?” thing that is currently popular to say in situations like these where you mock someone for caring about the issues being discussed while lording your own apathy over them as a clear sign you’re winning (because they are feeling something and you just don’t give a fudge). This does that in a fake-compassion way. Ie: “I am sorry you are a butthurt little biznitch. BYE”.

 

And it’s that block-and-bye that is the only reason there is a long post-game analysis of this snooty toot. If you put me in situations like these, I’m going to recap them in my brain for my own evolution and piece of mind. But if I’m going to go through the trouble of that, I’m not gonna waste my life on it – I’m going to turn it into content I can post and get something out of, thankyouverymuch.

 

And that’s why Carrie Clampitt-Gracey is a Scary Armpit Tracy. Or something.

 

IRONIC UPDATE OF AWESOME: Feminine Mikey has evidently also moved to California and is friendless enough to where he is ready to look past his previous hate and be total BFF’s with Carrie Clambot-Spacey.

 

 

Gross but lulz. I am so glad I included the part about him being the original source of broadcasting what a jerk she is, specifically how he personally didn’t like her cuz now I have the perfect book-end to this social tale as he over punctuates with desperation at re-igniting semblances from his high school life back when he was cool. Somehow these soap-opera sub-stories have a way of always writing themselves just the right rejoiners. Especially when awful people are involved.

(a personal journal adjoining the Richardland comedy network)