In July 2012 my aunt screamed at me for 2 hours of abuse and personal attacks (we didn’t have a fight: She just hate-vented at me for a full afternoon as I calmly absorbed it and tried to calm her down) because I woke her up the night before by running the washing machine at 11pm. She excommunicated me from the family then and went on a campaign to get the rest of her family to hate me as well, including her grandchildren (my 2nd cousins), telling them they would be punished if they tried to play with me. Classy lady.
In December 2013, I invited those 2nd cousins and their mothers (my first cousins) who were (are/currently) visiting my aunt 20 minutes away from where I live to come enjoy a day at my house at any time in early January 2014 while they’re in the area since I haven’t seen them since their mother decided she hated me. I offered use of my heated pool and hot tub, especially since my 2nd cousins Matt & Kylie love to swim when visiting California but have to suffer through a “so close yet so far” agony of the pool at my Grandparents old house (where my aunt currently lives) being below 50 degrees this time of year. I figured we could have a lot of fun that wouldn’t create any waves so I emailed the invite saying so to both cousins.
They both rejected my offer in bizarre and hurtful ways that require documentation because of their kids. It’s their loss that they don’t want me part of their life anymore because their psychologically troubled mother hates me, but it’s boldly unfair to their children to force them to miss out on my awesomeness growing up. Especially since this is something those children may be angry at when they grow up and find out all they missed out on for no good reason, I feel obligated to make the record clear on why exactly they were deprived of the good memories of my awesomeness.
There are 3 cousins in question. From oldest to youngest: April (Matt & Kylies mom), Jenny (2 young daughters previously unmentioned on this site) & Dena (no kids yet).
Here is their current status after my attempt at contact:
APRIL: The harshest most rude reply. She said thanks for the invite but that I am neither friend nor family to her at this time. Wow. In the invitation I gently noted something April has for years been the loudest complainer of, which is my aunt’s tendency to exaggerate instances in a negative light. Evidently April has changed her position on this, as she called that an insult to her mother and that while she hopes one day we can hang out as friends and cousins, that time is not now.
Remember that I haven’t argued or spoken crossly or even negatively to any of these 3 girls about their psychotic abusive mother at any time. But because I referred to her as “known to exaggerate”, April no longer considers me worthy of calling family or even a friendly acquaintance and refuses to talk about it. Sounds like theirs something more going on, right? Except she refuses to talk about it further. I issued two replies to her rejection saying I meant no insult or disrespect to anyone, thought I was being uncontroversial and only brought it up in the first place as a way of reminding them they have only heard 1 side of the story precisely because I have refused to badmouth their mother all this time. I also asked what exactly she found insulting or what I should be doing differently to come off more favorably. She didn’t reply to either message.
JENNY: After receiving Aprils announcement that I am not family to her because I requested that she not let rumors and slander against me influence her opinion, I sent an email just to Jenny directly asking what I did wrong, exactly, knowing I was more likely to get a helpful answer from her. I did indeed receive a thoughtful reply even though she said she agreed that my invitation sounded like smack-talk about her mother. I responded with a similar apology, explained that I had no idea that character trait of her mothers had become controversial (or I wouldn’t have included it) and re-issued the invitation directly to her and her 2 daughters to come visit at my house any time. I also asked the same “what am I doing wrong, exactly?” questions specifically requesting insight on what I could have done better to not lose that wing of the family. She did not reply.
DENA: The most diplomatic of the responders, actually requested to talk to my by phone about the matter. Unfortunately she called while I was on the plane coming back home (I didn’t get a missed-call from her, but she said by e-mail that she called and it went straight to voicemail) so she explained by email that (in response to the individual message I sent her after April said I wasn’t part of her family anymore) yes, she still thinks of me as family and would like to see me next time I am in Hawaii, where she now lives (I missed her leaving the islands by just 1 day when I was there with my nephews this past summer, though they and my parents met with her) but I will not be invited to her wedding out there in June 2014. She says it’s nothing personal and its merely that her and her fiance have a strict “no cousins” rule for the wedding invites. I think that’s a dumb decision of course and am saddened at its contribution to further icing me out of that wing of the family, but what am I going to say? I don’t have a right to be invited to her wedding and she couldn’t have been nicer about it. So I just didn’t reply. (although that is rude and I really ought to give some sort of short acknowledgement of her response, so I will have to make sure I do that).
Long time readers might remember that these are the cousins I liked so much that in 2007, when I took the first steps of making my website marketing business a Business, I included a 1% equity for them and their mother. Just because. Just cuz I liked them and grew up with them and thought of them as sisters and because I liked my aunt as well. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with this fact now because I remain un-mad at any of these 4 people (including my abusive, slanderous Aunt. She doesn’t even need to apologize to me for any of the grief, stalling, financial damage and family havoc she’s wreaked. If she would just stop and then wanted to resume a relationship like nothing happened – I’m FINE with that) so I don’t want to yank that gift away from them — but at the same time, I can’t be happy or satisfied with working as hard as I do to be giving away any percent of the fruits of that labor to people who range from actively disliking and disowning me as family to barely tolerating my existence in relation to them.
I wish I could talk sense into them but 2 of the 4 won’t talk to me at all and the remaining 2 won’t entertain actual talk, but rather just show me the courtesy of explaining why they have dramatically reduced my role in their lives (which wasn’t that big to begin with).
Since this happened a couple days ago, I saw Disney’s Frozen, which depicts a girl figuratively icing-out her younger sister who just wants to play with her and have fun and be family. The message of the movie is to dump love on their stubbornness and they’ll come around. Ironically, I would normally hate this kind of response and advise anyone adopting it to stop being trampled on and being taken advantage of and issue much tougher-love and take charge. Ironic because that’s precisely how I didn’t handle this case and my “just offer love” approach was a miserable abject failure.
