My parents and I went to a cousins wedding in Maine in September 2006. I was on a business trip to New York so they flew into JFK and picked me up with a rental car and drove up to Maine for the wedding.
On the way back to New York we drove with some other family groups who were driving to Boston and we all stopped in New Hampshire for lunch. Afterward we all went our separate ways. In the ensuing drive, my dad brought up the annual “you’re a failure doin this internet and Hollywood garbage so when are you going to go to college and make something of your life?” scolding. But this time with an added reason: One of my uncles had noted to my dad that I wasn’t making any money because if I had, then I would (or should) have offered to pick up the check for everyone. Adding further that either of his kids would have surely not allowed anyone but them to pay for the meal.
There are so many things wrong with that, not the least of which being that the comment itself was a totally dick thing to say, but lets explore the most obvious logic holes in my uncle “dog character from Family Guy”s rules of engagement:
The meal attendee’s consisted of my mom, dad, grandma, uncle and his wife, aunt, cousin, cousin2 and her husband and uncle and his wife. 11 people. No one expects my grandma to pay for anything ever anymore so that makes 10 possible check picker uppers. First, there’s the obvious question of why wouldn’t everyone just pay for their own meal – the answer to which, I have no idea. So one could try and figure out the pyramid of each persons “pay for everyone” expectation, but instead of trying to psychoanalyze his thought process, lets just weigh the merit of his end result: *I* should have paid for everyone’s lunch.
Ignoring that it was other people who suggested lunch, picked the place, invited everyone, ect – why would one of the offspring be expected to pay not only for their parents, but for the whole table? Further: I was one of 3 offspring, none of whom offered to pay for the table either. So why was I singled out? and should it matter that my 2 cousins are both 15 years older than I?
What the honkeytonk funkytown was going through my uncle’s rhyme’s- with-fryin’s head that made him think it was at all appropriate, let alone expected for the youngest family member at the table to pay for his extended family to eat a place he didn’t invite them to? Since its impossible to decipher, I shrugged it off to him just being kind of a jerk and moved on.
TIME LAPSE SEQUENCCCCCCE….
Fast forward a year later in August 2007, we are down in Coronado (San Diego) for another Bushnell cousins wedding. We go out to dinner the night before the event with a table of 16 or so people. The same uncle sits across from me. Before anyone has ordered, he is already arguing with my dad over who gets to pay for who, cuz that’s just the little competition thing they do to show dominance and status. I’m in amazement at how flipping ridiculous and elitist the whole concept is. Who the hell cares? I keep thinking to myself. “I wanna pay for your dinner tonight” should be answered in this case with a simple “F you, I wanted to pay for YOUR dinner tonight, but since it doesn’t frigging matter to me, I will either accept the offer or say no thank you and we each pay for our own. jolly good brother O!”. It’s not rocket science. And if one feels some smug sense of accomplishment because he force-paid for your meal, then you’re probably doing him a psychological favor.
But no, they bickered and got annoyed with each other over it until an agreement was made. Before and after that though, my uncle made several“Richard’s paying for the meal” jokes – cuz that’s so hilarious and all. Which was awkward because of the “several” aspect (at least 2, but i wanna remember maybe there being a third). One line would have been harr harr, very cute. But bringing it up again in different forms showed definite signs of wtf is with this guy.
For whatever reason, this particular uncle thinks I’m a bum and that no one is pointing it out (or at least not enough). It’s weird. It’s rude. It’s amusing. And yes, despite all his great personal qualities, it makes him a total snob.
Which of course all means that there is some element of truth to it all. Not that I am in any way at any level in any universe in any dimension of known or conceivable reality a bum in any conventional or abstract conservative or loose meaning of the word or its connotations – but the fact that I am easily viewed that way is…problematic.
Not because my own elitism dictates that I never be viewed negatively (even though we all know that is exactly the case at large, but i’m talking about this context specifically) but because of what a specifically unfortunate defamation it is considering my sterling work ethic, big ambitions, and time dedicated to making those ambitions a reality. The problem is that they are all work-for-yourselfy and thus seen as imaginary by traditionalists until after your first million is earned.
I’m annoyed at my uncles characterization of me and even more annoyed that it will be another 15 years probably before I am vindicated in my millions-pay-off, but the truth is that this is a self-marketing reality I don’t have a choice but to deal with. People don’t understand what I do or what I’m trying to do or how I’m trying to do it, and their first reaction given my presentation and demeanor is not that i’m a grindstone working dedicated temporarily downtrodden future millionaire but rather that i’m a bum and a mooch and that totally sucks.
I still think my unk was out of line, but it would be foolish of me to not take note of how I come off, even if its totally unjustified.
