A few months ago my Aunt Eloise sent a creepy email to my sister saying that she “knows a lot of things” about me that she hasn’t exposed yet. Welp, today I found out the disturbing defamatory details.

This morning that aunt told my mother that a few months ago she found a stash of porn that I she claimed I put on her computer, including gay porn that it sounded like she was implying that I was in/a part of, as well as videos of me being lovey with (holding hands and skipping through a field together) my boyfriend. Oh, -and also that when I used to live in my grandparents old house (that she still lives in) she claimed that I took a shower with a guy I had over.

This is not an April Fools joke.

Quick backstory: So… I have this aunt who lives in my deceased grandparents old house that I used to live in as well and during the time I lived there she would always make up weird stories and characteristics about me with which to gossip to other family with. The entire time I lived there, she would tell everyone that all I do is hole up in my room all day, make up stories about how I broke or ruined something that never actually happened, how weird and autistic she thinks I am, how she listens to me take showers (yes, seriously) and then more recently – decided that I’m gay. But don’t worry: she doesn’t think I’m gay in the “I think he might be either confused or afraid to come out of the closet and could use some help and understanding” kind of way – she thinks I’m gay in the “lets never ask him or say anything about it to him ever and just tell tales about him behind his back to the rest of the family” way. Awesome lady. But she has been without a job or friend or general purpose in the 30 years or whatever its been since her divorce and doesn’t have anything to do all day except tend to her garden and watch tv (and nap – because tv and flowers is super tiring) so I usually give her a pass and ignore it when she says batshit crazy things cuz you have to consider that the source is someone who lives in an extremely limited scope and I’m okay with doing that. Unlike her strategy of dealing with things she thinks she notices going on underneath the surface of other people however, I’ve tried a bunch of times to get her to be social, earn money from home instead of just run out the clock on using up her inheritance from my grandpa, etc – but its no use.

So since my aunt Eloise has no filler or goals or busy work to keep her occupied in her own life, she focuses on micro-managing everyone else’s lives around her. So I’m not a stranger to her drawing weird (and strangely, always negative) conclusions about people she doesn’t know, about me, about her 3 daughters, her neighbors – basically anyone and everyone but herself. But I’ve gotta say that this kind of slander is a bit much… I mean, there’s nothing wrong with gay people or being gay or being bi or being whatever and just being a flat out pervert on top of it– and so on and so forth – I’m a libertarian on issues of sex & am morally and philosophically fine with any consenting adults doing whatever/whomever they want – so its not like I’m dropping my monocle into my champagne glass with shock and outrage over this ongoing sexual fantasy of hers about me – its just that lies like that have a way of smearing someone’s character. This kind of defamation is illegal for a reason… It inevitably affects how people view me, which I don’t need, since – I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but – I can be a touch eccentric and abnormal in some areas of life and behavior.

I wish there was at least a funny misunderstanding or something to this story, but nope… I haven’t had anything of mine on my aunts computer in years, when I did it was never anything non Rated-G, I don’t have a “porn stash”, have never been romantically associated with any male and the gayest physical thing I’ve ever done in my life was attend a performance of the musical Mamma Mia with another (straight) man.

In other words: decent attempt, but…you Fail…

So… the fact that she went to such lengths to create this alternate reality is…super weird to say the least. Luckily she claimed my cousin witnessed the “porn on her computer” part, so I called that cousin up immediately and asked for details of exactly what happened and what went down.

To no ones surprise, my cousin of course told a way different story which makes a lot more sense. According to my cousin, some time when she was visiting her mom (my aunt) at the houses (I guess at Christmas), my aunt called her in to the computer room to show her porn on her computer that she alleged she didn’t know why was there. My cousin says there was never any confusion over its location and that my aunt was in fact in a folder on my computer through the houses wireless network.

Okay – so mystery solved, right? She was looking at porn on my computer through the shared network, then? Um. Not so fast. From what my mom understood – she was told that there was not just chick-porn but gay videos with me in them. I asked specifically about this and my cousin said she saw no such thing – which is good, because it means that my cousin isn’t a liar like her mother.

So that’s the important part that I was glad to have settled. The rest, is academic, cuz if my Aunt Eloise who hasn’t had a husband, boyfriend or even same-sex friend (that isn’t a cat) in over 20 years wants to look at naked people on my computer – that’s not really a problem (except for the part where she should have asked).

How she arrived at that endpoint and then presumed to tattle on me to my mommy, however, is a problem, because there are only 2 explanations for what happened and neither of them are good…

Possibility #1: She’s such a sicko that she just made the whole thing up in an effort to smear me in the family. She accomplished this by snooping into my computer to find enough things that were actually there to reference later (I’ll show you in a minute 1 of the videos she lied about) and then made up a bunch of other much worse things to seal the deal but was smart enough to get my cousin to witness part of it to make it sound more believable.

Possibility #2: She was snooping in my computer and found some of the [UPDATE: My associate doesn’t want me mentioning the name of the brand since its still being developed and its site and video series is in pre-production, but the rest of the description about it left in this post should give plenty of context-clues still) media that she saw as an opportunity to make up sex fantasy fan-fiction over me about and ran with it.

So… Either way, she was illegally rummaging around files on my computer and then chambered her little secret to then lie about it to the rest of my family over. Classy gal!

She told my mom that I “put porn on her computer” – which is not only false, but according to my cousin – that was never suspected and in fact my aunt was 100% aware that whatever she was looking at was not in fact on her computer but being accessed BY her computer to look at files that were on mine. Then, according to what my mom was told, she totally fabricated the inclusion of anything remotely homosexual in nature and tied that into a larger meme to slander me with.

She also didn’t stumble upon anything secret. No one under 40 who has heard of this thing called “the internet” has a “porn stash” of video files that just take up gigs of hard drive space. If you want to look at naked chicks (or dudes or donkeys or Asian amputee’s smoking cigarettes in the bath), there are only about 900 billion locations to do so for free. My cousin confirms that she did see some kind of softcore something or other where a chick got naked and that’s it. So my best guess is that’s where my aunt Eloise was poking around in and evidently watched way more of its content than anyone who “accidently” “stumbles” onto such a thing would do.

But here… Lets give her the benefit of the doubt again though and say that she only went snooping through my personal files – not on an expedition to look for dirt – but purely by accident… In order to do this, she would have had to select “Richards Mac Pro” under the “Shared” header in her Finders sidebar, then go to my storage drives, then go to video and then go to the [website name] folder and – tada! A folder with a bunch of softcore naked chicks for a male-demo brand with a rude edge that is one of many I’m working with (a folder full of raunchy humor videos for vlogs and reviews for the sites video series, hot chick pics, commercials from other countries that show nudity and the early years of Girls Gone Wild where it was way cheaper looking and super clunky). Even under that supposition, she lied about it being on HER computer and about there being anything gay in there.

Which brings us to the allegation of stumbling on my supposed romantic boyfriend video… She told my mom that she saw me “holding hands” and “playing in a field” and “making heart hands” and so on.

Gosh. She sure had to dig deep through my personal media files to find that one, but at least its not a total invention of her imagination this time and she just made up lies surrounding it instead of lying directly about this one.

The person she’s talking about is fkking Wyatt… lol.

Remember this image? It was originally intended to be a video sketch.

The bedtime story bit was part of a larger montage that I scrapped because some of the shots didn’t work out like I hoped. For instance: the frame wasn’t filled when we’re doing our frolics in grass (which is my front yard at my grandparents house) and we did a “fall to ground laughing” overhead shot that didn’t work cuz our stupid heads didn’t even make it in the frame – so I said eff it and junked the concept, turning it into the Fathers Day bedtime story goof instead.

This is a screenshot of me directing him in how I want the scene to go, yet evidently the staging and conversation talking about how we are filming a HUMOR SKETCH and not a romantic relationship video (the joke in the sketch wasn’t even anything gay so that just shows you how gay-minded my aunt Eloise is)

According to my evidently gay-sex obsessed Aunt Eloise who knows nothing about how real-life relationships or even casual sexual interactions work, however – she thinks this was a serious display of homoerotic affection that she totally uncovered.

Which brings us to the bizarre cherry on this psycho-sundae: Her claim that she witnessed me take a shower with a guy at the house. Which not only never happened but there was never even any set of circumstances that could have led to a sitcom style misunderstanding – the likes of which, for her to not be a complete mental case – would have to be happening every day. This is based on literally nothing. I mean – I exist, a shower exists, and other people I’ve had over to the house who are straight males exist – but never together at the same time. She just has a an active imagination thats bananas for dude on dude action within her family or something.

The sad part is that, as I mentioned earlier, this is not the first time she has eavesdropped on me while I was in the bathroom (seriously) and retold a wildly inaccurate story about what she thought I was doing in it. I wish I was making that up, but several other family members have told me that she tells them about how she listens to me taking baths and showers and tells them about it, so…. Whatever that’s about…idk.

Seen above: Actual photo of my aunt Eloise while i’m in the bathroom

There are a bunch of other true stories concerning my aunt Eloise that evidently I’m going to have to post publicly now because she just won’t stop slandering me and I’m legally required to go on record about. My legal advisor has been strongly recommending, encouraging and otherwise trying to get me to sue her since her first abusive outburst which was followed by a parade of very vicious and entirely unprovoked hate speech, illegal and unethical behavior that cost me and my associates time and money. I have refused to sue because even though she has turned so hateful, I know that it is mostly just due to her unhappiness she suffers from and doesn’t know how to deal with appropriately, but I can only tolerate so much of this before the “well, its FAMILY” excuse doesn’t work anymore.

I don’t even dislike my aunt Eloise. I just need her to stop lying about me.

It’s a lot to ask, I know, but I feel like somehow she could maybe find it in her heart to not lie about her nephew anymore (or at least not so often).

Now if you’ll excuse me, Biff and I are going to go upload a bunch of amateur porn to another unsuspecting 60-something year old cat ladies computer and then shower off together and I don’t want to be late.