The 2nd best outcome of my eldest nephew recently turning 18 (right after the fact that the ongoing sexual abuse I put him through is now legal in most states) is that I can eat the last pound and a half of his birthday cake after the rest of my family’s gone to bed.
Now that im full of cake, im gonna go play with my younger nephews’ toys while they’re asleep. Spiderman and this plastic t-rex here have some unfinished business from earlier to settle…
The only downside to playing pretend with the nephews is that Aidan Bushnell and i constantly have to fight over which one of us gets to be Justin Bieber. luckily im still a couple inches bigger so I win, but maybe i’ll hook him up with some Biebs action “One Time”. Never Say Never motherfkkerrzzzz.
Even though it will be turned back on tomorrow – I couldn’t handle the lack of internetz here at my brothers house in Florida so I drove Aidan up to the town square where they have free Wifi, I guess to lure patrons to the local shops. Their marketing strategy worked, cuz Aidan went to Starbucks and as we sipped on the stadium seating with our lappytoppies, I snapped this pic and uploaded it to his Facebook with the following caption:
I thought it was about time i took a photo of you where you WERENT sleeping for once. thanks for the mocha latte carmelotto grande with whipped cream, Bestie!!!1
#chillaxin @ the park
Now it’s time to go eat the same amount of food I would at any other meal at any other time of the year but pretend like it’s a big deal cuz evidently everyone else is going balls out with their portions or something.
But before I go: quit being such a Hipster dick, Canada…
my friggin 15 year old nephew just tried to quiz me with the question “guess who came first: Sonic, or Mario?”… that’s like asking a Nam veteran if they know anything about the war. bitch, I LIVED that. effouttahere.
More gems from my week with the younger nephews:
“you stink butt toilet poop! im gonna fart in yor unda-wear!” & “you’re a butt and you stink like butt, BUTT Stink!”
– Rowan Bushnell, 4
“untle Richard. um. um. uh whats..uh whats ‘gay’? – [fake answer] – “haha. im gay! im gay im gay! haha. im so gayyyy!” – [real answer] – “um.. i dont think thats rilly it cuz if 2 boys kissed eachother they’d prolly go tu jail”.
– Riley Bushnell, 6
“Instead a Easter they should call it Ster-Eee cuz you STIR the chocolate and then you EAT it, so Ster-ea, not Ea-ster…”
– Riley Bushnell, 6
“Touch that again and it’s gonna rain spank-bombs like a Giant’s tears after he found out he wasn’t invited to a birthday party”
– uncle Rich, layin down tha law.
My brothers Sprint broadband card (I quit mine) gets a .6th of a bar of reception at his house and only in certain spots, so to use the internet he usually drives up to Starbucks a few miles back into civilization. Since my day job is teh internetz, I’ve been freakin dying during the visit, so my dad drove me and my nephew Aidan up to the library so I could get some work done and he could surf Ebony porn for awhile. I lost him in the there and didn’t want to say so to the creepy library people so I went out in the parking lot and called 411 to get the library’s number and then asked the person who picked up the phone there to find him and send him outside.
From there we headed to McDonalds where I was able to point out to him the importance of doing well in school, as the lady who served us had to make her 3 kids wait at a table until she got off work… from her job at McDonalds. 3 kids. just saying.
Next stop: strip mall down the road where we’ll have my dad pick us up. In the mean time? Dalla Stooooore yo.
