Sorry ju guys. As much as I hate deeply to disappoint the hundreds of thousands of fans who were feverishly following the FMFS (Feminine Mikey Facebook Saga), I gotta call it to a close for my own sake. Don’t try and make me feel bad about it cuz I put in HOURS negotiating with this schmuckluck to see if a friendly re-joining could be possible, but OY. I’m sorry… he’s just too god damn annoying. no longer friend material. I tried for you guys who frequently voice your love for the old material on richardland he was a part of, but I’m sorry – I’M SORRY OKAY????? – he’s just too far down the rabbit hole of douchitude to be recovered at this point.

To give you an idea of what an assface the once great Feminine Mikey has become, here is a rundown of the first sentence of every paragraph in his latest Facebook reply. Read this horseshit and keep in mind that these messages are supposed to convey “I’m sorry I was such an asshole in the past, but I really want to make it up to you and try to be friends again”.

Maybe its me, so you tell ME if that’s the tone YOU glean here when you read these openers:

MIKEY: Jesus Richard.  Way to make an ultimately simple statement confusing and overly complicated.

Context: Instead of being grateful that I’m actually putting thought and effort into replying to his messages and contuing to steadfastly make his case, he won’t stop whining about how I’m being too mean to him in my replies, so I gave him this awesome deal: vote for the other guy instead of your original choice in the Nov 4 election and I’ll tone down the rhetoric a little in return. He couldn’t wrap his head around the whole “do something as a sign of good faith and i’ll tamp down the mean words as a return-favor” concept, claiming that if my harsh words can be graciously waved due to an act of concession then they lose credibility. I replied to let him know that he’s retarded for thinking that, and apparently that was me making a simple statement confusing and overly complicated. douchebag.

Comment: Really? Even if you’re so much of a weak little bitch to get frustrated at someone you’re trying to apologize to and regain favor with do you really show how flustered you are with an exasperated “Jesus” and go on to blame the person you’re supposedly trying to curry favor with? is there a BETTER way to send a stronger translation of “I suck at life. pleae don’t take my apologies seriously”?. It’s cool to go that route if the person you’re apologizing to is actually being retarded in response to you, cuz then you’re really just JudgeJudy-ing them into a no-nonsense approach to forgiveness with no added horsecrap onto the load the apologizer is already admitting is there.

Instead, Mikey is just a little shit whose frequently wrong and easily frustrated when challenged, so that explaining something in simplistic terms so he could understand it automatically becomes unnecessarily “confusing” and “complicated”.

And FYI: “overly complicated” is redundant you twit. I didn’t tell him that cuz it would be an unnecessary diversion.

MIKEY: Now, on to this online chapter book you’ve presented…

Context: he’s making a derogatory comment about the length of my reply.

Comment: Really? you think it’s a good idea to insult the time taken by someone who hates you but gives you lengthy and thoughtfully written reactions to your whiny ass little pleas anyway?

And a “chapter book” is a childrens book, so I don’t know if he’s claiming I was using child-level vocabulary, or if he didn’t know that chapter book was a real phrase and he was just trying to say “a book long enough to have chapters” to insult the length of my reply while i was hearing him out on his request to be my god damn friend again.
I didn’t tell him any of that cuz it would be an unnecessary diversion.

MIKEY: I can’t believe you’ve injected politics into this discussion…way to make an already overly drawn-out topic even more overly drawn-out.

Context: when he said why he could never vote for the other guy earlier, he said a bunch of stuff that wasn’t true, so I corrected him.

Comment: Really? you can’t believe that after you talked about politics to someone that they would reply? Really? I would want to be friends with someone this easily shocked, why again?

MIKEY: The fault lays with you here, Bush.  Cause I didn’t sound like I misspoke from the beginning.

Context: He mentioned how votes don’t count (electoral college-wise) in California and it’s too bad my vote couldn’t be put to use back in Missouri. I misunderstood and commented on it – he explained his original comment further and in the reply to that I said his explanation makes sense and my bad for not getting it on the first go-around.

Comment: Really? You think its useful to keep going on the “I was right! you misunderstood! YOUR fault!” path even after the other person says “yup. you were right. i misunderstood. my fault”?
And calling me Bush (not a nickname I’ve ever taken)? wtf.

le sigh

So can I finally get a little wut-wut here? (I heard a black person on tv say that so I adopted it. its in the right context, right?). I mean, I’m as sorry as you are, guys. I “mate” for life with my friends, so when they destroy the relationship I hate it and there’s always an open invitation to apply to re-enter richardland after doing appropriate pennance but – more importantly – proving that you’re worth the re-entry. If you’re not friend material, thennnnnn…wtf

I promise I gave him more than a fair shot. Femanine
Mikey just sucks at life too bad to be recovered right now.

I’ve been receiving this question ever since captain Fem-Mi appeared on this website, which was only weeks before our friendship crashed and burned after he perpetrated a social suicide bombing on our relationship after converting to Douchebagelism in college. It was unfortunate timing, cuz  everyone on richardland had just started to meet and went on to love Feminine Mikey – and for good reason – I did too. he was fun. Great guy, good pal. but unfortunately he started to achieve meltdown atomic levels of doucherness, achieved by matching a sudden decrease of his interesting and unique attributes with a sharp increase of his opinion of himself (always the scientific douchebag ratio). The unbalanced scales led him to turn into a huge burnout loser that I still stuck with for awhile until he topped his make-your-own-sundae of disaster with a cherry of Brutisesque betrayal.

Mikey relations were cut at that point and laid mostly dormant until earlier this year when he tried to add me on Facebook, resulting in a smack-back that was detailed here on richardland. He responded to it and I responded back eventually – which he would obnoxiously try to copy? Cuz I would take a month or so to respond to a message cuz I’m terribly uninterested in the sob story this douche has but I at least get to it. He however is supposedly trying to apologize and become friends again so wtf is HIS excuse for all of a sudden taking 4 weeks to reply now? moron. he can’t stop trying to be like me even after all this time.

So what’s the deal with Mikey? The answer to the headline of this post is “not bloody likely”, but said in a really obnoxious way, maybe with an accent, and definitely delivered only a few inches away from your face with an awkward pause afterward.

I’m totally forgiving if a repentance is genuine, but that’s only half the story with a friend-gone-wrong. Duh – hello? I have to still LIKE you if you wanna be friends again. So I might forgive someone but if I still don’t respect them then what’s the point?

Well Mikey, being an idiot and all, failed to understand why he had to sell himself as a good person when I should already know this (that whole 6 months where he was a jerk that ended our friendship doesn’t count when Mikey’s the score keeper). The Feminine Mikey brand has been sullied, I told him, and you need to market it properly or no one’s gonna remember or at least apply to your party affiliation the good times – they’re just gonna remember the shit you at best, failed to explain properly and they’re gonna choose the inexperienced black guy over you no matter how seasoned and worthy you might be.

It’s like a guy who breaks up with his girlfriend cuz he doesn’t like her anymore but then a few years later gets lonely and finds himself regretting the good times with her. so he goes back and apologizes and she points out that he was a jerk during the breakup. he agrees and apologizes but is all “wtf ELSE do you want from me? i SAID i was sorry. gaaad” . So she throws her drink in his face.
if he really loved her, he goes on accepting the mantle and explaining why he’s worth a second shot. the other scenario though, is if he was just a schmuck who was only going through this cuz he got a little nostalgic lately after re-examining his current quality of life – then he decides he doesn’t need this kind of bullshit and totally remembers why he dumped the bitch in the first place and they’re both better off for it.

I threw the drink.
your move holy man.

My last response to Mikey sums it all up in my usual dosages of prose, sober comment, compassion, stern explanation and ruthless logicality that Roger Ebert called “the best to hit the internet in years”. It’s an explanation in response to him whining about his attempts being hopeless and if I “clearly whole heartedly hate” him and blah blah – you’ll see. Here’s it be at for y’all to take awn in:

Michael, the opposite of love isn’t hate. it’s apathy.
there’s lots of that with me towards you, but clearly not 100% as you can see the length of the responses [you get].
so no, I don’t “whole heartedly hate” you. I think you’re a selfish opportunistic ass whose narcissism led him to devalue any friends that could be seen as dominant or hindering to a new decidedly consequence-free lifestyle you thought would lead you to happiness and when it failed, you come back to the friends you sneered at in the past while retaining the same resentment you had for them when you hastily cut them out of your life.

I’d love to be proved wrong.
I’ve always doubted I would.

And that… meui dea frens…is the situation with Mikey.

I SAID GOOD DAY! or no. no I didn’t. but that’s the only thing missing from this speech I just popped off to Mikey the highschool-best-friend-turned-douche.

He requested me on Facebook 2 or 3 years ago and I accidentally accepted it because I was still new to its un-myspacelike user interface. Once I realized he was on my friends list though, I gave an open mouthed gasp while letting my monocle drop from my eye and promptly deleted him. I guess he didn’t notice for awhile and requested me again months later. I accepted it by adding a “how do you know this person” detail (a feature in Facebook that lets people know how you know your friends list friends, be it school, work, S&M night at Scavo’s, etc) that the other person has to approve and in it I wrote:

Since he has to confirm this and didn’t, we remained not-friends on Facebook and he messaged me messaged me saying something like “Geez Bushnell. I continue to be baffled by your reaction to me. I know we’re not best of friends anymore but Facebook friends are different than real life friends. they’re more like associates”.

I rolled my eyes and was about to ignore the message when I felt a little bad since this loser is SO dumb and SO brain damaged by drugs an alcohol that he really probably doesn’t understand the reaction he’s getting. So I figured it was my duty as a decent human being to explain to him why he himself is not one, and also to put some of your curious minds to rest if you’re unclear on why he no longer appears in references and videos on richardland. SO… this is the message I sent him. It is an overshare of personal information in a style I probably should have ceased at High School’s end but that would kindov be going against the spirit of Richardland, so logged in its public history it must be. SO… this is the message I sent him.

I particularly like my use of “ever ever ever” and “but not me… [second line:] not me”. mmm. Poetry!

you have nothing to be baffled by.

Between Michael Glaser and You

you’re not an acquaintance.
you’re only a thin hairs tic away from being a full blown enemy, whose life i plan to make difficult in as many ways possible.

sorry your memory sucks but we arent old chums who drifted apart by chance or life circumstance and just kinda became less palzy with eachother over time.

you were a friend close enough to be family. i plucked your dorky butt from obscurity and made you a partner in the industry of my life. i had your back in battles of friends, school, your family, and love life despite having no personal gain and often receiving negative consequences from it. then you started to be kindov a crappy person that was less considerate of our friends, less interested in our own friendship, more selfish, and less prudent in life choices, but that was still whatevs until you outright betrayed me. but even after that i gave you a chance to keep a friendship and you said the most disgustingly amnesiac (root word “amnesia”) response as if i was just some dude you had met in the quad one day and had a cool convo with one time or something.

you changed into a person not worthy of my respect, became apathetic about me when i was still just as much on “your team”, then you betrayed me in a heinous way, then acted like i was nobody to you.

so go to hell. we are not friends on any level and you dont get the benefit of ever being positively associated with me ever ever ever.

you contact me every few years not with reconciliation, not with life reflection, not with sorrow or regret or a resolve to make things right – you just say “hey” and then act like you dont understand when youre not well recieved.

your strategy that time heals all wounds is probably workable with anyone else given the right amount of time.
but not me.
not me.
bye

lolz. The only unfortunate part of this is that there’s a 50/50 chance that he is not in on the joke of my writing structure anymore because that fun-part-of-life about him is probably dead. To me, this is a hilariously tragic soap opera worthy to be treated as such. It’s not a joke – it’s not a game (the sting of his betrayal was real and legitimately unforgivable without even suggestion of proper pennance, but things like that get emotionally dead to me after having gone through the mourning period) – but it IS silly relationship drama. So is he in on the candy coating of humor over this bitter pill? did he read this dramatically as intended? who cares. not I, said the duck. which is why i’m sharing it here. Batman Out.

Batman Out.