I’ve been receiving this question ever since captain Fem-Mi appeared on this website, which was only weeks before our friendship crashed and burned after he perpetrated a social suicide bombing on our relationship after converting to Douchebagelism in college. It was unfortunate timing, cuz  everyone on richardland had just started to meet and went on to love Feminine Mikey – and for good reason – I did too. he was fun. Great guy, good pal. but unfortunately he started to achieve meltdown atomic levels of doucherness, achieved by matching a sudden decrease of his interesting and unique attributes with a sharp increase of his opinion of himself (always the scientific douchebag ratio). The unbalanced scales led him to turn into a huge burnout loser that I still stuck with for awhile until he topped his make-your-own-sundae of disaster with a cherry of Brutisesque betrayal.

Mikey relations were cut at that point and laid mostly dormant until earlier this year when he tried to add me on Facebook, resulting in a smack-back that was detailed here on richardland. He responded to it and I responded back eventually – which he would obnoxiously try to copy? Cuz I would take a month or so to respond to a message cuz I’m terribly uninterested in the sob story this douche has but I at least get to it. He however is supposedly trying to apologize and become friends again so wtf is HIS excuse for all of a sudden taking 4 weeks to reply now? moron. he can’t stop trying to be like me even after all this time.

So what’s the deal with Mikey? The answer to the headline of this post is “not bloody likely”, but said in a really obnoxious way, maybe with an accent, and definitely delivered only a few inches away from your face with an awkward pause afterward.

I’m totally forgiving if a repentance is genuine, but that’s only half the story with a friend-gone-wrong. Duh – hello? I have to still LIKE you if you wanna be friends again. So I might forgive someone but if I still don’t respect them then what’s the point?

Well Mikey, being an idiot and all, failed to understand why he had to sell himself as a good person when I should already know this (that whole 6 months where he was a jerk that ended our friendship doesn’t count when Mikey’s the score keeper). The Feminine Mikey brand has been sullied, I told him, and you need to market it properly or no one’s gonna remember or at least apply to your party affiliation the good times – they’re just gonna remember the shit you at best, failed to explain properly and they’re gonna choose the inexperienced black guy over you no matter how seasoned and worthy you might be.

It’s like a guy who breaks up with his girlfriend cuz he doesn’t like her anymore but then a few years later gets lonely and finds himself regretting the good times with her. so he goes back and apologizes and she points out that he was a jerk during the breakup. he agrees and apologizes but is all “wtf ELSE do you want from me? i SAID i was sorry. gaaad” . So she throws her drink in his face.
if he really loved her, he goes on accepting the mantle and explaining why he’s worth a second shot. the other scenario though, is if he was just a schmuck who was only going through this cuz he got a little nostalgic lately after re-examining his current quality of life – then he decides he doesn’t need this kind of bullshit and totally remembers why he dumped the bitch in the first place and they’re both better off for it.

I threw the drink.
your move holy man.

My last response to Mikey sums it all up in my usual dosages of prose, sober comment, compassion, stern explanation and ruthless logicality that Roger Ebert called “the best to hit the internet in years”. It’s an explanation in response to him whining about his attempts being hopeless and if I “clearly whole heartedly hate” him and blah blah – you’ll see. Here’s it be at for y’all to take awn in:

Michael, the opposite of love isn’t hate. it’s apathy.
there’s lots of that with me towards you, but clearly not 100% as you can see the length of the responses [you get].
so no, I don’t “whole heartedly hate” you. I think you’re a selfish opportunistic ass whose narcissism led him to devalue any friends that could be seen as dominant or hindering to a new decidedly consequence-free lifestyle you thought would lead you to happiness and when it failed, you come back to the friends you sneered at in the past while retaining the same resentment you had for them when you hastily cut them out of your life.

I’d love to be proved wrong.
I’ve always doubted I would.

And that… meui dea frens…is the situation with Mikey.